How Strong Connections Literally Calm Your Brain and Reduce Your Stress Response

Behind every badge, there's a story.

A story of courage, sacrifice, and relentless pursuit of justice.

But there's also a story that often goes untold.

A story of the mental and emotional toll that policing takes on those who answer the call.

Welcome to Police Speak, the podcast that delves into the raw realities of police work and explores the path to resilience.

Each week, we'll unpack harrowing police encounters, dissect their psychological impact, and equip you with the tools to safeguard your mental well being.

So turn up the volume and prepare for our next journey.

Welcome back to Police Speak.

This is episode six in our series on the predictive six factor resilience model.

We've covered vision, composure, reasoning and tenacity.

Today we're going to explore the fifth domain, collaboration.

Collaboration is about relationships and social support.

It's about building and maintaining strong connections with others, your colleagues, your family, your friends.

And here's what the research tells us.

Very clearly, social support is one of the single strongest predictors of resilience.

Officers who have strong support networks are significantly less likely to develop PTSD or depression after traumatic events.

They recover faster.

They have better overall mental health.

They're more likely to have long, successful careers.

But here's the law enforcement culture and the nature of the work often create barriers to connection.

So today we're going to talk about why collaboration matters so much, what gets in the way, and how you can build the kind of relationships that will sustain you throughout your career.

Let's start with the research, because the data on social support and resilience is overwhelming.

Studies of Canadian firefighters showed that the lower their perception of social support, the higher their scores in depression and trauma.

Research on first responders consistently finds that social support is a protective factor against ptsd.

And perhaps most importantly, social isolation is fundamentally associated with suicide.

Here's what's happening in your brain.

When you have strong social connections, positive social interactions activate what's called your social engagement system.

Involving structures like your orbitofrontal cortex and ventromedial prefrontal cortex.

These systems help regulate your limbic brain and reduce your stress response.

When you feel connected to others, when you feel understood and supported, it literally calms your nervous system.

Your cortisol levels drop, your heart rate variability improves, your prefrontal cortex functions better.

On the other hand, social isolation or conflict activates stress responses.

Loneliness triggers the same brain regions that process physical pain.

Chronic loneliness is as harmful to your health as smoking or obesity.

For officers specifically, research shows that peer support support from other officers who understand the job is particularly powerful.

Having colleagues you can talk to, who get what you're going through, who can offer perspective and encouragement, makes an enormous difference in how you handle stress and trauma.

But here's the problem.

Law enforcement culture often works against these connections.

Let me talk about some of the barriers, barriers that make it hard for officers to build and maintain strong connections.

First, the stigma around vulnerability.

Law enforcement culture highly values toughness, self reliance and emotional control.

Asking for help can be seen as weakness.

This creates a culture where officers suffer in silence rather than reaching out for support.

Second, the nature of the experiences.

You see things that most people will never see.

You can't always talk about the details of your cases.

Even when you want to share what you're going through, you might feel like people outside law enforcement couldn't possibly understand.

Third shift work.

Irregular hours and shifts make it hard to maintain friendships and relationships.

You're working when everyone else is off.

You're sleeping when everyone else is awake.

It's hard to show up for social events or family gatherings when your schedule is unpredictable.

Fourth, emotional exhaustion.

After dealing with conflict, trauma and high stress, all shift.

Many officers come home emotionally depleted.

They don't have the energy to engage meaningfully with their spouse or kids.

They withdraw, which strains relationships.

Fifth, fear of burdening others.

Officers often don't want to talk about the difficult parts of their job because they don't want to worry their family or burden their friends.

But this protective silence creates distance and isolation.

Sixth, the trust factor.

Officers learn to be suspicious and cautious.

These are useful skills on the job, but they can make it hard to trust people and be vulnerable in relationships.

You're always on guard, always assessing threats, and that makes genuine connection difficult.

Here's what's important to understand.

While these barriers exist, they're not insurmountable.

And the cost of not overcoming them.

Increased rates of ptsd, depression, divorce and suicide is too high.

So let me talk about how you can build strong connections despite these barriers.

These connections have three key components.

Cognitive components.

This includes awareness of others, accurate impressions, perspective taking.

It's about really knowing the people you're connected to, understanding how they think and feel, being able to see things from their point of view.

Emotional components.

This includes positive emotions, emotional contagion, catching others, positive feelings, and empathy.

It's about genuinely caring about the other person's well being and being affected by their emotions.

Behavioral components.

This includes respectful engagement, task, enabling, helping each other succeed, and what researchers call play, shared enjoyment, and humor.

When you have all three of these components in a relationship.

You have what's called a high quality connection, and research shows these connections are incredibly protective against stress and trauma.

So how do you build these kinds of connections?

First, be intentional.

Relationships don't just happen automatically.

You have to invest time and energy.

Schedule regular time with your spouse.

Make plans with friends.

Show up for your colleagues.

Important moments.

Treat relationships like they matter because they do.

Second, practice vulnerability.

This is scary in law enforcement culture, but it's essential.

Start small.

Share something you're struggling with with one trusted person.

Notice what happens.

Usually vulnerability breeds connection, not judgment.

Third, develop emotional intelligence.

Pay attention to how others are feeling.

Ask questions.

Listen more than you talk.

Try to understand what things are like from their perspective.

Fourth, be reliable.

Show up when you say you will follow through on commitments.

Let people know they can count on you.

Reliability builds trust, and trust is the foundation of strong connections.

Fifth, celebrate together.

Don't just connect over problems and difficulties.

Share good news.

Celebrate successes.

Have fun together.

Positive shared experiences are just as important as support during hard times.

Sixth, use active, constructive responding.

When someone shares good news with you, respond with genuine enthusiasm.

Ask questions.

Help them savor the positive experience.

This strengthens connection more than most people realize.

Research shows that humor is a common and effective strategy for first responders dealing with difficult circumstances.

Being able to laugh with coworkers helps foster a supportive collegial environment and improves the enjoyment of the workday.

But not all humor is created equal.

Some types of humor build connection while others damage it.

Helpful types of humor Affiliative humor Humor that brings people together that's inclusive, that helps the group bond Share jokes Funny stories about work experiences Laughing together about absurd situations Self enhancing humor Being able to laugh at yourself and your own mistakes in a healthy way.

This shows resilience and makes you more approachable.

Relief humor Using humor to release tension after difficult calls Finding something to laugh about when things have been intense.

This helps the nervous system down.

Regulate harmful types of humor.

Include aggressive humor Humor that puts others down that mocks or belittles people that uses sarcasm to hurt rather than connect Constantly putting yourself down in ways that damage your self esteem rather than just being lighthearted about mistakes.

Gallows humor that goes too far.

Yes, dark humor is part of first responder culture and can be helpful in small doses.

But when it becomes so pervasive that you're making jokes about everything terrible when you're using it to avoid processing emotions, when it offends victims or the community, it's gone too far.

The key is being intentional about humor.

Ask yourself Is this joke bringing us together or pushing us apart?

Is it helping us cope or helping us avoid?

Is it respectful or harmful?

When used well, humor is one of the most powerful tools for building connection and managing stress.

When used poorly, it damages relationships and normalizes callousness.

Let me talk about one of the biggest challenges officers face maintaining relationships with people outside of law enforcement.

Your spouse, your kids, your friends who aren't cops.

These relationships are critically important for your resilience, but they're also the relationships that often suffer most in this job.

Here's why.

You come home emotionally exhausted.

You've seen things you can't talk about.

You're dealing with stress that people outside the job can't fully understand, and the easiest thing to do is withdraw.

Sit in front of the tv, zone out on your phone.

Not engage.

But that withdrawal, while understandable, creates distance.

Over time, your spouse feels shut out.

Your kids feel like they don't know you.

You.

Your friendships fade.

And then when you really need support, you don't have it.

So how do you maintain these critical relationships?

First, communicate about communication.

Have a conversation with your spouse or close friends about how you need to handle work stress.

Maybe you need 30 minutes when you get home to decompress before you can engage.

Maybe you need to talk about your day.

Or maybe you need to not talk about it.

Maybe you need physical activity to transition from work mode to home mode.

Whatever it is, communicate it clearly so people understand your needs and don't take your withdrawal personally.

Second, create rituals of connection.

These are small, regular practices that keep you connected even when you're exhausted.

Maybe it's having coffee with your spouse every morning.

Maybe it's a family dinner on your days off.

Maybe it's a weekly call with a close friend.

These rituals don't have to be elaborate.

They just have to be consistent.

Third, be present when you're present.

When you're with your family, really be there.

Put the phone away.

Don't check work emails.

Don't spend the whole time thinking about the job.

Give them your full attention for whatever time you have together.

Fourth, find ways to share your world without sharing the traumatic details.

You don't have to describe the horrific crime scene to help your spouse understand why you're stressed.

You can say, I had a really difficult call today.

I can't talk about the details, but it's affecting me.

I might be quieter than usual tonight.

And that's why this helps your loved ones understand what's happening without burdening them with traumatic content.

They're not equipped to process.

Fifth, maintain individual identities.

You need to be more than just the cop in your relationships.

Have hobbies, have interests outside of work.

Be a spouse, a parent, a friend, a community member.

This gives you things to connect with people about beyond just your job.

Sixth, invest in your primary relationship.

If you're married or in a committed relationship, that relationship needs regular attention.

Research shows that first responder marriages have higher rates of divorce and relationship problems.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Couples who intentionally invest in their relationship date nights, couples counseling when needed, regular communication can thrive despite the challenges of this job.

Officers experience loss regularly.

Loss of colleagues killed in the line of duty, Loss of community members they tried to save.

Loss through traumatic calls that didn't end the way you hoped.

Research on grieving has identified what's called the dual process model.

This model says that adaptive coping with grief involves oscillating between two states.

Confronting the grief, facing the loss, feeling the emotions, processing what happened, adapting to the absence of the person or the changed situation, avoiding the grief, temporarily taking breaks from the intense emotions, focusing on other things, maintaining routine, engaging in activities that provide distraction and relief.

Both are necessary.

You can't grieve effectively if you're constantly confronted with the pain and never get a break.

But you also can't heal if you only avoid and never process.

When supporting a colleague through grief, this means give them space to grieve.

Let them talk about their feelings, let them cry.

Don't try to immediately fix it or cheer them up.

Just be present with them in their pain, but also help them take breaks.

Suggest going for a walk, share a meal, talk about something else for a while.

Help them engage in normal life even while they're grieving.

Grief doesn't follow a schedule.

Some people need weeks or months to process a loss.

Others others seem to move forward more quickly.

Both are normal.

Watch for signs they're stuck.

If someone is only avoiding and never processing, or if they're so overwhelmed by grief that they can't function for an extended period, that's when you help connect them with professional support.

Remember important dates.

The anniversary of a line of duty death.

The birthday of a colleague who died.

The date of a traumatic incident.

These dates matter.

Reach out.

Acknowledge the significance.

Show that you remember and you care.

This kind of informed support for grieving colleagues builds the kind of deep bonds that sustain resilience over a career.

Individual relationships matter enormously, but organizational culture matters too.

If your department has a culture that stigmatizes asking for help, that doesn't support officers after critical incidents, that creates unnecessary conflict and stress.

That makes it harder for everyone to build resilience.

On the other hand, if your department has a culture that normalizes peer support, that provides resources for mental health, that treats officers with dignity and respect, that addresses organizational stressors, that creates an environment where resilience can flourish.

The research shows that comprehensive, culturally integrated approaches are far more effective than individual focused programs.

You can't just tell officers, be more resilient while the organizational culture is actively undermining their well being.

If you're in a leadership position, this matters.

You have the power to shape culture.

You can normalize peer support.

You can reduce unnecessary organizational stressors.

You can model vulnerability and help seeking.

You can make mental health resources genuinely accessible rather than just technically available.

And if you're not in a leadership position, you can still influence culture.

You can be the colleague who checks in on people.

You can be the one who normalizes talking about stress and mental health.

You can be the champion for resilience in your unit or your shift.

Culture changes one person at a time.

And it often starts with people who decide they're going to do things differently, regardless of what everyone else is doing.

Before we finish talking about collaboration, I need to address something really important.

How to support others without destroying your own well being.

This is what we call the anchor strategy in rfa.

If you're going to be there for other people as a peer supporter, as a friend, as a colleague, you need to stay anchored.

You need to take care of yourself.

Here's what happens.

Too often, officers with big hearts see their colleagues struggling and want to help.

So they take on everyone else's burdens.

They listen to trauma stories.

They provide support.

They're available at all hours.

And gradually they burn out.

They develop vicarious trauma.

They become overwhelmed.

The anchor strategy says you can't pour from an empty cup.

You have to maintain your own resilience while supporting others.

Here's how.

First, monitor your own state.

Before, during, and after supportive conversations.

Check in with yourself.

How am I feeling?

What's my stress level?

Am I regulated or am I getting activated?

If you notice yourself becoming emotionally overwhelmed, it's okay to take a break or refer the person to someone else.

Second, set boundaries.

You can't be available 24,7 to everyone.

You need sleep.

You need time with your family.

You need recovery.

It's okay to say, I care about you and I want to support you, but I'm not available right now.

Can we talk tomorrow or.

This seems like something you should talk through with a Professional.

Third, use your own resilience skills.

After difficult conversations where you're supporting someone, use your composure skills.

Do some breathing exercises.

Use reappraisal.

Process your own reactions.

Don't just carry everyone else's burdens without addressing your own needs.

Fourth, get support for yourself.

Peer supporters need peer support too.

Leaders need support.

Everyone needs someone they can talk to.

Make sure you have your own support system that you actually use.

Fifth, recognize when conversations are affecting you.

If you notice that certain types of conversations consistently lower your mental state, that's valuable information.

Maybe you need to set boundaries around those topics.

Maybe you need to process your own experiences before you can effectively support others in that area.

The anchor strategy isn't about being selfish, it's about being sustainable.

You can provide much better support over the long term if you're taking care of yourself rather than burning out after a few months.

Let me show you how collaboration connects to the other five domains.

Collaboration and vision.

Your relationships can either support your sense of purpose or or undermine it.

When you're connected to people who understand and affirm your mission, it strengthens your vision.

When you're isolated or in conflict, it's harder to maintain that sense of meaning.

Collaboration and composure.

Social support directly affects emotional regulation.

When you feel connected and supported, your nervous system calms down.

When you're isolated or in conflict, your stress response stays elevated.

Strong relationships literally help regulate your limbic system.

Collaboration and reasoning.

The people you talk to influence how you think.

Supportive colleagues can help you reframe situations, challenge cognitive distortions, and think more flexibly.

Isolation can trap you in negative thinking patterns.

Collaboration and tenacity.

Social support fuels persistence.

When you have people encouraging you, believing in you, helping you problem solve, it's easier to keep going through difficulties.

Research consistently shows that social support predicts resilience, collaboration and health.

Your relationships affect your health behaviors.

Supportive relationships encourage healthy habits.

Social isolation is associated with poor sleep, poor nutrition and lack of exercise.

And strong relationships provide motivation to take care of yourself.

You have people who want you around and healthy.

See how interconnected everything is.

You can't build comprehensive resilience by focusing on just one domain.

You need all six working together.

So what can you do today to strengthen your collaboration domain?

First, identify your support network.

Make a list of the people you can turn to for different types of support.

Emotional support, practical help, professional advice, fun and connection.

If your list is short, that's information you need to invest in building more connections.

Second, reach out to someone this week.

Pick one person you haven't connected with In a while, a colleague, a friend, a family member, and reach out.

Send a text, make a call, grab coffee.

Don't wait for them to reach out first.

Third, practice active, constructive responding.

The next time someone shares good news with you, respond with genuine enthusiasm.

Ask questions.

Help them celebrate.

Notice how this strengthens your connection.

Fourth, have a communication conversation.

Talk with your spouse or a close friend about how you handle work stress.

What do you need from them?

What do they need from you?

Create a shared understanding so your needs don't create unnecessary conflict.

Fifth, establish one ritual of connection.

Pick one small regular practice that keeps you connected with someone important.

A weekly phone call, a monthly dinner, a daily check and text.

Something small but consistent.

Sixth, consider becoming a peer supporter.

If your department has a peer support program, consider getting involved.

If they don't, advocate for creating one.

And look into training like Resilience First Aid that will give you the skills to support colleagues effectively.

Seventh, address one relationship that needs attention.

Is there a relationship that's been neglected?

A conflict that needs resolution?

A conversation you've been avoiding?

Pick one and take a step toward addressing it.

You don't have to fix everything at once, but take one step.

Remember, relationships require investment.

They don't maintain themselves.

Here's what I want you to take away from today's episode.

Collaboration, strong relationships and social support is one of the most powerful protective factors against ptsd, depression and suicide.

The research on this is overwhelming and consistent, but law enforcement culture and the nature of the work create significant barriers to connection.

Overcoming those barriers requires intentional effort, specific skills and sometimes cultural changes.

The key strategies we covered building high quality connections, using humor, effectively maintaining relationships outside work, providing and receiving peer support, supporting colleagues through grief, and using the anchor strategy to maintain your own well being are all evidence based approaches that build resilience.

Social support isn't a luxury.

It's not something you get to if you have time.

It's a fundamental requirement for sustainable resilience in this job.

You cannot do this work alone for the long haul.

So invest in your relationships.

Reach out when you're struggling.

Be there for others when they're struggling.

Build the kind of connections that will carry you through the hardest moments of your career.

In our next episode, we're going to cover the sixth and final domain of the PR6 model health.

We're going to talk about why physical health is the foundation that everything else rests on.

And we're going to give you practical strategies for sleep, nutrition, exercise, and managing the physical demands of shift work.

Thank you for listening to police speak.

Stay safe out there.

Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Police Speak.

We hope you found today's story and insights valuable.

We aim to inform, educate and inspire through the stories we share.

Do you have a powerful story from your time on duty that you'd like to share?

Perhaps a moment that tested your resilience or left a lasting impact?

Sharing your experiences can help fellow officers learn and strengthen their resilience.

Your story could make a real difference in someone else's life.

Please visit the link in the show notes and complete the form.

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Together, we can build a stronger, healthier law enforcement community.