I Was Driving. That's It. That's the Whole Thing.

Episode 016
FREE Critical Incident Recovery Protocol
Brian Kowalski’s story hits hard. He survived a tragic car accident that took his partner Mike Hennessey’s life, and now he’s grappling with the aftermath. Four months later, he’s back on patrol, but not the same guy he used to be. The shaking in his hands has stopped, but the trauma is still heavy. Brian’s story is a real look at survivor's guilt and the struggle to regain composure while on the job. It’s not just about getting back behind the wheel; it’s about navigating the emotional wreckage that comes with losing a partner. If you’ve ever faced something similar, you need to hear this.
Loss is a part of the job, but it doesn't make it any easier. Brian Kowalski's experience after the tragic death of his partner reveals the heavy toll that trauma can take on a police officer. This episode reflects on the complex emotions surrounding survivor's guilt and the challenges of returning to duty after such a loss. Brian's journey back to patrol was riddled with doubts and fears, showing how trauma can undermine an officer's confidence. We discuss the crucial role of peer support in these moments—how just showing up can make a world of difference. However, Brian's story also serves as a wake-up call about the limits of informal support and the vital importance of seeking professional help. The episode emphasizes that while camaraderie is essential, it’s equally important to engage in structured recovery processes, such as those taught in RFA training. Brian's struggle is a poignant reminder that confronting these issues early can prevent long-term damage to mental health and operational readiness.
Takeaways:
- Survivor's guilt is real, and it doesn’t just fade away; it hangs around like an unwanted guest.
- The health domain in the PR6 model is foundational; without it, recovery gets much tougher.
- Peer support is critical but has its limits; sometimes, professional help is necessary.
- Brian's story highlights the importance of early intervention; waiting can make things worse, not better.
FREE Critical Incident Recovery Protocol
Resources for Officers
If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. These trauma-informed resources are confidential, available 24/7, and staffed by people who understand the unique challenges of law enforcement.
COPLINE
Phone: 1-800-267-5463 (1-800-COPLINE)
Website: www.copline.org
COPLINE is a confidential 24/7 hotline exclusively for current and retired law enforcement officers and their families. All calls are answered by trained, retired law enforcement officers who understand the job and provide peer support for any issue—from daily stressors to full mental health crises. Your anonymity is guaranteed. COPLINE is not affiliated with any police department or agency, and listeners will not notify anyone without your explicit consent.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Phone: Call or text 988
Online Chat: www.988lifeline.org
Veterans: Press 1 after dialing 988
The 988 Lifeline provides free, confidential support 24/7/365 for anyone experiencing emotional distress, mental health struggles, or thoughts of suicide. Trained crisis counselors are available by phone, text, or online chat to provide compassionate, judgment-free support. You don't need to be in crisis to reach out—988 is here for anyone who needs someone to talk to.
Safe Call Now
Phone: 206-459-3020
Website: www.safecallnowusa.org
Safe Call Now is a confidential, comprehensive 24-hour crisis referral service designed specifically for all public safety employees, emergency services personnel, and their family members nationwide. Founded by a former law enforcement officer, Safe Call Now is staffed by peer advocates who are first responders themselves and understand the unique demands of the job. They provide crisis intervention and connect callers with appropriate treatment resources while maintaining complete confidentiality.
Remember: Reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You deserve support, and these resources are here for you.
Mentioned in this episode:
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FREE Critical Incident Recovery Protocol
Get Your Copy of the Critical Incident Recovery Protocol Today!
Click the link here and get your copy of the Critical Incident Recovery Protocol. Don't worry, it's completely FREE.
00:00 - Untitled
00:33 - Untitled
01:00 - Introduction
01:00 - Overcoming Fears
05:37 - The Impact of Loss
14:26 - The Aftermath of Trauma
23:05 - The Journey to Recovery: Brian's Struggles
28:45 - Beginning of Brian's Recovery Journey
Foreign.
Speaker BKowalski's hands don't shake anymore when he gets behind the wheel.
Speaker BThat's not progress.
Speaker BThat's just what, four months of forcing yourself to drive a patrol car every shift will do.
Speaker BThe shaking stop, but everything else, that's still there.
Speaker CI check the intersection three, four times now before I go through.
Speaker CEven on a code three, even when I know it's clear.
Speaker CMy buddies give me shit about it, but they don't say it as they mean it.
Speaker CThey know why I'm doing it.
Speaker BOctober 12, 2025.
Speaker BThird shift patrol in a mid sized apartment in Indiana.
Speaker BAn industrial city on the Chicago border.
Speaker B280 officers.
Speaker BA tight department where everyone knows everyone.
Speaker BPriority call comes out, noise complaint, nothing major.
Speaker BBrian's driving.
Speaker BHis training officer, Mike Hennessy is in the passenger seat.
Speaker BThey've worked together for 12 years.
Speaker BMike trained Brian out of the academy.
Speaker BBest friends.
Speaker BTheir kids play together.
Speaker BIntersection is clear when Brian enters.
Speaker BTraffic lights green.
Speaker BHe's doing maybe 40 and a 35.
Speaker BDrunk driver runs the red light going 70t bones and passenger side.
Speaker BMike Hennessey dies at the scene.
Speaker BBrian walks away with bruises and a concussion.
Speaker BFour months later, Brian's back on patrol.
Speaker BThe investigation cleared him.
Speaker BNothing he could have done differently.
Speaker BDriver had at 24, Bac ran a solid red.
Speaker BDoesn't matter.
Speaker BBrian was driving.
Speaker BMike's dead and Brian's the one who has to keep showing up to work.
Speaker BThis is his story.
Speaker BAnd if you've ever been the one who survived when your partner didn't, or if you've ever tried to help an officer through that, you need to hear this.
Speaker BI'm Michael Simpkins and this is Police Speak.
Speaker AWe've been in your shoes.
Speaker ALying awake at 3am replaying that call over and over again.
Speaker AFeeling hypervigilant at the grocery store, watching peers struggle and not knowing what to say.
Speaker APolice Speak was created by officers tired of seeing good people break down.
Speaker AWe understand the job because we've lived it and we've processed what you're experiencing.
Speaker AYou'll hear stories about what's worked after difficult calls.
Speaker AA framework that outlines your resilience across six key areas.
Speaker AWe provide peer support skills you can use starting tomorrow.
Speaker ABuild resilience before adversity overwhelms it.
Speaker AOfficers, teaching officers.
Speaker BLet's start with who Mike Hennessey was.
Speaker BBecause you can't understand what Brian lost without understanding that relationship.
Speaker BMike was a 20 year guy.
Speaker BSalty, funny, gave everyone shit.
Speaker BCame up when the PD was rougher.
Speaker BSteel mills were closing, crime was climbing.
Speaker BDepartment was smaller.
Speaker BHe knew the city knew the players, knew how to work the street.
Speaker BWhen Brian came out of the Academy in 2011, fresh and nervous and trying to remember everything from his 12 weeks of training, Mike was his FTO.
Speaker BAnd Mike did what good training officers do.
Speaker BHe taught Brian how to actually be a cop.
Speaker CMike showed me how to talk to people.
Speaker CThe academy teaches you the law, officer, safety and report writing.
Speaker CMike taught me the rest.
Speaker CHow to de escalate.
Speaker CHow to read a scene.
Speaker CHow to trust your gut when something feels wrong.
Speaker BThey worked together for six months during field training.
Speaker BThen Brian was cut loose.
Speaker BWent to afternoon shift, got assigned to different zones.
Speaker BStandard progression.
Speaker BBut they kept crossing paths.
Speaker BSame shift, same district, same calls.
Speaker BAnd somewhere in those first few years, the FTO trainee relationship became something else.
Speaker BThey became friends, then family.
Speaker CWe'd do cookouts, take the kids to the pool.
Speaker CNormal stuff.
Speaker CMike's son Ryan was on a baseball team.
Speaker CI coached.
Speaker CHis daughter Emma was in the same class as my oldest.
Speaker CWe did holidays together sometimes.
Speaker BBy 2023, they were both on third shift, both in zone two.
Speaker BPartners by choice, not assignment.
Speaker BThe kind of partnership where you don't need to talk much because you already know what the other guy's thinking.
Speaker B12 years of that.
Speaker B12 years of watching each other's backs, knowing each other's families, showing up to each other's kids birthday parties.
Speaker BAnd then October 12th happened.
Speaker BThird shift runs 10:00pm to 6:00am Brian and Mike came on at 10:00pm normal Monday night.
Speaker BOctober in northwest Indiana, cold starting to set in.
Speaker BLeaves on the ground quiet early in the shift.
Speaker BAround 1:30am call comes out.
Speaker BNoemi's complaint.
Speaker BApartment complex on the east side.
Speaker BCaller saying someone's TV is too loud and they can't sleep.
Speaker BNothing.
Speaker BPriority.
Speaker BStandard nuisance call.
Speaker BThey take it because they're close, because it's slow, because it's the kind of call you handle so the citizen feels heard even though nothing's actually wrong.
Speaker BBrian's driving.
Speaker BHe's always driven.
Speaker BLikes to drive.
Speaker BBeen his habit for years.
Speaker BMike rides shotgun, handles the mdt.
Speaker BTakes lead on talking to people.
Speaker AWorks for both of them.
Speaker BThey're heading east on Indianapolis Boulevard, major thoroughfare through Hammond.
Speaker B1:45am on a Monday night.
Speaker ATraffic is light.
Speaker BFew cars here and there.
Speaker CLate was green.
Speaker CI remember checking it.
Speaker CIntersection was clear.
Speaker CNo headlights, nothing.
Speaker CI accelerated through.
Speaker BHere's what he didn't see.
Speaker BDrunk driver coming north on Calumet Avenue, running the red light at 70 miles an hour.
Speaker BNo headlights.
Speaker BDidn't even tap his brakes.
Speaker BBrian doing 40.
Speaker BPassenger side of the Patrol car enters the intersection.
Speaker BImpact.
Speaker BI'm not going to describe what Brian saw in that moment.
Speaker BHe has nightmares about it every night.
Speaker BHe doesn't need to relive it in a podcast and you don't need those images in your head.
Speaker BWhat you need to know is this.
Speaker BMike Hennessy died instantly.
Speaker BBrian survived.
Speaker BAnd the physics of that, the simple fact that the impact was passenger side,
Speaker Athat Mike was sitting where the other
Speaker Bcar hit, that's what Brian can't get past.
Speaker CI was driving.
Speaker CThat's it.
Speaker CThat's the whole thing.
Speaker CI was driving.
Speaker BThe fire department arrived in four minutes.
Speaker BExtracted Brian first because he was conscious and responsive.
Speaker BHe tried to tell them to get Mike out, get him to the hospital.
Speaker BHe's hurt worse.
Speaker BThey knew they could see, but they got Brian out anyway because that's the protocol.
Speaker BMike was pronounced at 1:58am Brian was transported to Methodist North Lake.
Speaker BTreated for contusion to his chest from the seat belt, laceration on his forehead from broken glass and concussion.
Speaker BReleased same day.
Speaker BThe drunk driver, 42 year old guy from Gary.
Speaker BThree prior DUI, suspended license.
Speaker BHe walked away with minor injuries.
Speaker BArrested at the scene.
Speaker BCharged with causing death while operating a vehicle while intoxicated.
Speaker BHeld on $500,000 bond.
Speaker BInvestigation was straightforward.
Speaker BTraffic cameras caught the whole thing.
Speaker BDrunk driver ran a solid red at high speed.
Speaker BNo attempt to brake, no headlights.
Speaker BBrian had right of way.
Speaker BTraveling at reasonable speed.
Speaker BNo evidence of distraction or impairment.
Speaker BInvestigation cleared Brian within two weeks.
Speaker BFound no fault, no policy violations, no preventable factors.
Speaker CDoesn't help.
Speaker CInvestigation says I didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker CEveryone says I didn't do anything long.
Speaker CI know I didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker CStill doesn't change that Mike's dead.
Speaker BThat's survivor guilt.
Speaker BAnd for officers who've experienced it, you know that.
Speaker BNo amount of investigation findings, no amount of people telling you it wasn't your fault.
Speaker BYou were there.
Speaker BAnd that's its own kind of hell.
Speaker AStandard protocol after a line of duty death.
Speaker AOfficer involved gets administrative leave while investigation happens.
Speaker ABrian was off for three weeks.
Speaker AWent home the night of the crash.
Speaker AWife Jenny met him at the hospital, took him home.
Speaker AHe doesn't remember much about those first few days.
Speaker AConcussion symptoms, headaches, confusion, sensitivity to light.
Speaker ABut mostly he remembers sitting in his living room, staring at the wall.
Speaker AMike's funeral was on a Saturday.
Speaker AFull honors, bagpipes, hundreds of officers from departments across Indiana and Illinois.
Speaker ABrian attended.
Speaker AWore his dress uniform.
Speaker AStood in the back because he couldn't face Katie, Mike's wife, or the kids.
Speaker CKatie came up to me at the funeral home and hugged me.
Speaker CTold me it wasn't my fault.
Speaker CI couldn't look at her.
Speaker CI still can't.
Speaker AAfter the funeral, Brian went home and tried to figure out what he was supposed to do next.
Speaker AThe department offered him eap, Employee assistance program, free therapy sessions.
Speaker AHe didn't call.
Speaker AThey sent the chaplain to his house.
Speaker ATwice.
Speaker ABrian talked to him.
Speaker ABoth times politely.
Speaker ASaid he was fine.
Speaker AHe wasn't fine.
Speaker ABut he didn't know how to ask for help.
Speaker ADidn't even know what help would look like.
Speaker AWhat saved Brian's life in those first weeks wasn't the department's official response.
Speaker AIt was his buddies.
Speaker AThird shift, zone two is six officers, Brian, Mike and four others.
Speaker ATight crew.
Speaker AThey've worked together for years.
Speaker AKnow each other's families, trust each other.
Speaker AWhen Mike died, they lost one of their own and they knew Brian was drowning.
Speaker ASo they showed up.
Speaker CSecond night I was home.
Speaker CDoorbell rings.
Speaker CIt's Tommy, one of the guys on my crew.
Speaker CHe's got a six pack and a pizza.
Speaker CDoesn't say much, just comes in, sits on my couch, watches TV with me for three hours, then leaves.
Speaker ANext night, different guy from the crew shows up, same thing.
Speaker ABrings food, doesn't talk much, just sits there.
Speaker AThis went on for two weeks.
Speaker AEvery single night, someone from third shift came to Brian's house.
Speaker AThey rotated, planned it out among themselves, made sure someone was there.
Speaker CThey didn't try to fix anything.
Speaker CThey didn't tell me it would get better or that it wasn't my fault or any of that.
Speaker CJust showed up, made sure I wasn't alone.
Speaker AThis is what law enforcement does when one of our own is in crisis.
Speaker AThe formal systems, eap, critical incident, stress, debriefing, all of that, those things help.
Speaker ABut what keeps an officer alive in the immediate aftermath is their crew.
Speaker ANow here's where the PR6 model, the Resilience framework we talk about on this podcast explains what was actually happening in Brian's brain and body during those first weeks.
Speaker ALet's talk about the health domain first.
Speaker ABecause in the PR6 model, health isn't about wellness or self care in some abstract sense.
Speaker AIt's about whether your brain has the neurobiological foundation it needs to function after trauma.
Speaker ASleep is a huge part of that foundation.
Speaker ASleep is when your brain produces bdnf, brain derived neurotrophic factor.
Speaker AThink of BDNF like fertilizer for your neurons.
Speaker AIt helps your brain build new connections, process traumatic memories.
Speaker ALiterally rewire itself after critical incidents.
Speaker ABrian wasn't sleeping at all, maybe two,
Speaker Cthree hours a night.
Speaker CThose first weeks, I'd close my eyes and see the crash.
Speaker CSee Mike jolt awake.
Speaker CTry again.
Speaker CSame thing.
Speaker ANo sleep means no BDNF production.
Speaker AWhich means his brain was trying to process Mike's death, trying to make sense of it, integrate it, find a way to live with it without the raw materials it needed to do that work.
Speaker AOn top of that, Brian wasn't eating much, wasn't exercising, was drinking more than he should have been, even in those early days.
Speaker AAll of that compounds the problem.
Speaker AChronic stress plus poor nutrition plus alcohol shuts down BDNF production even further.
Speaker AThis is why the health domain in PR6 is considered foundational.
Speaker AYou can have the best peer support in the world, and Brian did.
Speaker ABut if your brain doesn't have adequate BDNF because you're not sleeping, not moving your body, not feeding yourself properly, recovery becomes exponentially harder.
Speaker AAnd that's exactly what happened.
Speaker AThe crew was showing up, keeping Brian alive, preventing him from completely isolating.
Speaker AThat mattered.
Speaker ABut his health domain was compromised enough that nothing was sticking.
Speaker AThree weeks after the crash, internal affairs called.
Speaker AInvestigation was complete.
Speaker ABrian was cleared.
Speaker ANo fault found.
Speaker AHe could return to duty.
Speaker CI didn't want to go back.
Speaker CI couldn't imagine getting in a patrol car again.
Speaker CBut I also couldn't imagine not going back.
Speaker CWhat else was I going to do?
Speaker CThis is all I know.
Speaker ASo he came back.
Speaker AEnd of October 2025.
Speaker ASix weeks ago, as of this recording.
Speaker AThird shift zone.
Speaker ATwo same guys, same streets.
Speaker ASame zone where Mike died.
Speaker ADifferent partner, though.
Speaker ATommy.
Speaker AThe guy who showed up with Pizza that second night.
Speaker AHe's Brian's partner now.
Speaker ADoesn't say much about it.
Speaker AJust got in the passenger seat and that was that.
Speaker AFirst few shifts back were rough.
Speaker ABrian would catch himself looking over at the passenger seat, expecting to see Mike, forgetting for half a second, then remembering all over again.
Speaker CWe drove past the intersection where it happened.
Speaker CTommy didn't say anything.
Speaker CI didn't say anything.
Speaker CJust drove past.
Speaker ABut here's where things got worse.
Speaker ABrian came back to work, thinking maybe getting back to normal would help.
Speaker AThat maybe the routine, the structure, the familiar rhythms of patrol would start to pull him out of the hole he was in.
Speaker AInstead, he discovered he couldn't do the job anymore.
Speaker ANot because he forgot how, not because he was physically injured, but because every call, every decision, every moment in the patrol car, he was second guessing himself.
Speaker AComposure in the PR6 model is your ability to read your own stress response and manage it before it manages you.
Speaker AIt's that moment when you feel your heart rate spike on a traffic stop and you make a conscious choice about how to respond.
Speaker AThe brain structure that does this is called the insula.
Speaker AIt reads your body's internal state like a dashboard and sends that information to your prefrontal cortex so you can decide what to do about it.
Speaker AWhen trauma damages the composure system, you lose those early warnings.
Speaker AOr in Brian's case, you get warnings about everything.
Speaker AConstant false alarms telling you danger is everywhere.
Speaker CEvery traffic stop feels wrong now.
Speaker CEvery approach.
Speaker CEvery time I walk up to a car, I'm thinking about what could go wrong.
Speaker CNot tactically.
Speaker CI know tactical.
Speaker CThis is different.
Speaker CI can't trust my own judgment anymore.
Speaker APriority call comes out.
Speaker ABrian hesitates.
Speaker AShould we respond?
Speaker ACode three.
Speaker AWhat if there's another drunk driver?
Speaker AWhat if I miss something?
Speaker AWhat if I make the wrong call and someone gets hurt?
Speaker ARoutine traffic stop.
Speaker ABrian standing at the window, talking to the driver.
Speaker AAnd his hands are shaking.
Speaker ANot from fear.
Speaker AFrom the effort of holding himself together.
Speaker CThe guys on my shift, they're covering for me.
Speaker CTommy takes lead on most calls now.
Speaker CIf I'm hesitating on a decision, someone else makes it.
Speaker CThey know I'm not right.
Speaker CThey're keeping me afloat.
Speaker AThat's collaboration.
Speaker AOne of the PR6 domains that was actually helping Brian survive.
Speaker AHis crew understood he was struggling.
Speaker AThey didn't make a big thing out of it.
Speaker AThey just adjusted, covered his blind spots, made sure he didn't have to make critical decisions when he couldn't trust his own judgment.
Speaker ABut here's the problem.
Speaker AThat kind of peer support can keep you alive, can keep you functioning, can give you space to start healing.
Speaker ABut it can't do the healing for you.
Speaker AAnd Brian's crew knew they were reaching the limits of what they could do.
Speaker CAbout a month after I came back, Tommy pulled me aside after shift.
Speaker CAsked me straight up, you seeing anyone?
Speaker CTalking to anyone?
Speaker CI said, no.
Speaker CHe said, you need to.
Speaker CThis isn't getting better, Nan.
Speaker ATommy was right.
Speaker AA month and a half after Mike died, Brian was back at work, functioning on the surface, but drowning underneath.
Speaker AThe crew had kept him alive, but they didn't know what to do next.
Speaker AAnd that's where a lot of departments get stuck with officers in crisis.
Speaker AThe informal peer support guys showing up, covering for each other, making sure their buddy doesn't eat his gun.
Speaker AThat's instinctive.
Speaker ALaw enforcement officers know how to do that.
Speaker ABut transitioning from crisis support to actual recovery, that's where most crews run out of tools.
Speaker ABrian needed more than his Crew could give him, and neither he nor they knew how to bridge that gap.
Speaker AEarly November 2025.
Speaker ABrian's been back at work for about three weeks.
Speaker AHalloween just passed.
Speaker AHe didn't take his kids trick or treating.
Speaker ACouldn't handle it.
Speaker AJenny took them herself.
Speaker AThanksgiving's coming up, and Brian's dreading it because the last three Thanksgivings, his family spent it with Mike's family.
Speaker AHe's drinking more.
Speaker AStarted with a couple beers after shift to wind down.
Speaker ANow it's six.
Speaker AEight beers most nights.
Speaker ASometimes more on nights off.
Speaker CI know it's a problem.
Speaker CI'm not stupid.
Speaker CBut it's the only thing that shuts my brain off enough to sleep.
Speaker CWithout it, I'm up all night.
Speaker AHere's what's happening.
Speaker ANeurologically, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant.
Speaker AIn the short term, it can help with sleep by reducing activity in the areas of the brain that keep you alert.
Speaker ABut chronic alcohol use actually makes sleep worse.
Speaker AIt disrupts your REM cycles, reduces sleep quality, and prevents the restorative deep sleep where BDNF production happens.
Speaker ASo Brian's drinking to sleep, but the drinking is making this sleep even worse, which is making his brain less able to heal, which is making everything harder, which makes him drink more to cope.
Speaker AThat's the health domain failing in a cascade.
Speaker AAnd as we've talked about before, when the health domain fails, it drags the other domains down with it.
Speaker ABrian's composure was already compromised.
Speaker AHe couldn't regulate his stress response at work, couldn't trust his judgment on calls.
Speaker AWithout adequate sleep and with increasing alcohol use, his emotional regulation got even worse.
Speaker CI snapped at Jenny.
Speaker CFor the first time in our marriage, she asked me something simple.
Speaker CDid I want her to pick up the girls from school?
Speaker CAnd I just lost it.
Speaker CYelled at her for no reason.
Speaker CShe just looked at me, didn't yell back.
Speaker CJust walked away.
Speaker AThat moment shook him.
Speaker ANot enough to change anything yet, but enough to realize he was hurting people he loved.
Speaker AJenny's an ER nurse at Methodist Northlake.
Speaker ASame hospital they took Brian to after the crash.
Speaker AShe understands trauma.
Speaker AShe sees it every shift.
Speaker ACar accidents, shootings, overdoses, all of it.
Speaker AShe knows what PTSD looks like.
Speaker AShe knows what Brian is going through.
Speaker ABut knowing didn't help her reach him.
Speaker CShe tried.
Speaker CAsked me to talk to her.
Speaker CI couldn't.
Speaker CI can talk to the guys on my shift easier than I can talk to her.
Speaker CDon't know why.
Speaker CMaybe because they were there.
Speaker CThen you Mike, they get it.
Speaker COr maybe because I don't want her to See how broken I am?
Speaker AThis is one of the cruelest aspects of trauma in law enforcement.
Speaker AThe person who loves you most, who knows you best, who wants to help.
Speaker AThey often can't reach you, but your shift can because your crew understands the context, the culture, the specific weight of what happened.
Speaker ABrian could sit on his couch with Tommy and watch TV in silence and feel less alone.
Speaker ABut he couldn't have a conversation with his wife about how he was feeling.
Speaker AThat's the collaboration domain, showing both strength and weakness, simultaneously.
Speaker AStrong with peers, failing with family.
Speaker AAnd Brian knew that was wrong, but didn't know how to fix it.
Speaker AAround mid November, Tommy made another push.
Speaker ADidn't ask Brian if he was okay.
Speaker AJust said, I called EAP.
Speaker AMade you an appointment.
Speaker AThursday, 2:00pm you're going.
Speaker CI went because Tommy made me go, not because I wanted to.
Speaker AFirst therapy session, Brian sat in the waiting room feeling like everyone who saw him knew he was weak, knew he couldn't handle his own shit, knew he was broken.
Speaker ATherapist's name was Dr. Mitchell.
Speaker AMiddle aged guy, former military, worked with first responders for 15 years.
Speaker AStarted with basic questions.
Speaker AWhat happened?
Speaker AHow are you sleeping?
Speaker AAre you having intrusive thoughts?
Speaker ARyan answered honestly.
Speaker ACrash Mike.
Speaker ADying.
Speaker ANot sleeping.
Speaker ADrinking too much.
Speaker ACan't be present with his wife or kids.
Speaker AHesitating at work, feeling like he's watching his own life through glass.
Speaker ADr. Mitchell didn't try to fix everything in one session, just ask questions.
Speaker AListened to at the end.
Speaker ASaid, we'll start with twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
Speaker AThat work?
Speaker ABrian said yes.
Speaker AAnd that was it.
Speaker AFirst session.
Speaker ANo magic cure, no sudden insight, just the beginning of a very long process.
Speaker AThree weeks later, that's where Brian is now.
Speaker AAs of this recording, he's had six therapy sessions.
Speaker AHe's still drinking, still not sleeping well, still hesitating at work, still can't look Katie Hennessy in the eye.
Speaker ABut he's showing up to therapy, to work to his life.
Speaker AThat's not nothing.
Speaker CThe therapist asked me last week about medication.
Speaker CAn antidepressant, something to help with sleep.
Speaker CI haven't decided yet.
Speaker CPart of me thinks I should be able to handle this without pills.
Speaker COther part of me is too tired to care.
Speaker ALets be very clear here.
Speaker ABrian is not recovered.
Speaker AHe's not healed.
Speaker AHe's not even stable.
Speaker AHe's in acute trauma response, four months out from losing his partner and he's barely holding on.
Speaker AI'm sharing his story now in this state, this early because a lot of officers going through trauma need to hear from someone who's still in the thick of it.
Speaker ANot someone who's got it figured out.
Speaker ASomeone who's still trying to survive day to day.
Speaker AAnd because Brian's story illustrates something critical about the PR6 model and resilience in law enforcement, early intervention matters.
Speaker AEvery week that Brian waited to get help was a week his health domain deteriorated further.
Speaker AEvery night he drank himself to sleep was another night his brain couldn't produce the BDNF it needed to heal.
Speaker AEvery shift he pushed through without being able to trust his own judgment was another hit to his confidence and his identity as a cop.
Speaker AThe crew did what they could.
Speaker AThey kept them alive those first weeks.
Speaker ABut informal peer support has limits.
Speaker AAt some point, professional intervention is necessary.
Speaker AAnd the longer you wait, the harder recovery becomes.
Speaker ABrian waited almost four months.
Speaker AHe should have started therapy day one.
Speaker AHe knows that now.
Speaker ABut knowing it now doesn't change those four months of his brain trying to heal without the tools it needed.
Speaker ASo where's Brian Kowalski right now, four months after losing Mike Hennessy?
Speaker AHe's working third shift, zone two.
Speaker ASame crew.
Speaker ATommy's his partner.
Speaker AThe guys are still covering for him, still making sure he's okay, still showing up when he needs them.
Speaker AHe's going to therapy twice a week.
Speaker ANo major breakthroughs yet.
Speaker AJust showing up, answering questions, trying to be honest about how bad things are.
Speaker AHe's still drinking too much, still not sleeping well, still avoiding Katie Hennessy and Mike's kids because he doesn't know what to say to them.
Speaker AHis wife Jenny is still trying to reach him.
Speaker AHe's still not letting her in.
Speaker AHe's hesitating on calls, second guessing himself, wondering if he can still do this job.
Speaker AAnd he's thinking about Mike every single day.
Speaker ANot in a healthy remembering my friend way in a why am I alive and he's not way.
Speaker AThat's the reality.
Speaker ANo transformation, no sudden healing.
Speaker AJust a guy trying to survive.
Speaker ABut here's what's also true.
Speaker AThree weeks ago, Brian wasn't in therapy.
Speaker ANow he is.
Speaker AThat's movement.
Speaker AThree months ago, he couldn't talk about the crash at all.
Speaker ANow he can.
Speaker AAt least with his therapist and his crew, that's progress.
Speaker ASix weeks ago, getting back in a patrol car felt impossible.
Speaker ANow he's doing it every shift.
Speaker AIt's hard, but he's doing it.
Speaker AThese aren't victories, they're just steps.
Speaker ASmall ones, but they're in the direction of survival.
Speaker AWhich is all you can ask for when you're four months out from trauma this severe.
Speaker ALet me talk about what Brian needs next and what other officers in similar situations need through the lens of the PR6 model.
Speaker AHealth domain First, Brian needs to stabilize his sleep and address the alcohol use that's foundational.
Speaker AWithout that, nothing else gets easier.
Speaker AHis therapist is right to push on medication.
Speaker ASometimes you need pharmaceutical support to reset your sleep cycle after trauma.
Speaker AAnd he needs to cut back on drinking, ideally with support.
Speaker AThat doesn't mean he's weak.
Speaker AIt means his brain needs help.
Speaker AGetting back to baseline.
Speaker AComposure Domain Brian's lost trust in his own judgment.
Speaker AThat's fixable, but it takes time and exposure.
Speaker AHe needs to keep working, keep making calls, keep proving to himself that he can still do the job.
Speaker AHis crew covering for him helps in the short term, but can't be permanent.
Speaker AEventually, he needs to rebuild that operational confidence himself.
Speaker ACollaboration Domain.
Speaker ABrian's connection with his crew is strong.
Speaker AThat's what kept him alive.
Speaker ABut he needs to repair the connection with his wife.
Speaker ACouples therapy might help.
Speaker AOr just honest conversation about why he can't talk to her the same way he can talk to Tommy.
Speaker AJenny's an ER nurse.
Speaker AShe gets trauma.
Speaker AShe'll understand if he can explain it.
Speaker AVision Domain.
Speaker ARight now, Brian can't see a path forward.
Speaker ACan't imagine feeling normal again.
Speaker ACan't picture himself being the cop he was before Mike died.
Speaker AThat's the domain most damaged by this kind of trauma.
Speaker ARebuilding vision takes the longest.
Speaker ATherapy helps, Time helps, small wins help.
Speaker ABut it's going to be months, maybe years before Brian can look at his career and his life and see possibility instead of just survival.
Speaker AReasoning Domain Brian's engaging with therapy, which means he's starting to process the trauma in a structured way.
Speaker AThat's reasoning beginning to work.
Speaker ABut early therapy is mostly about stabilizing the crisis, not solving it.
Speaker AThe deeper cognitive work.
Speaker AMaking sense of what happened, integrating it into his life story, finding meaning.
Speaker AIf meaning exists, that comes later.
Speaker ATenacity Domain Brian showing up to work, to therapy, to his family, even when he can't be present.
Speaker AThat's tenacity.
Speaker AIt doesn't feel like strength to him.
Speaker AFeels like just barely hanging on.
Speaker ABut showing up when everything in you says quit, that's tenacity.
Speaker ANow let's talk about rfa.
Speaker AResilience, first aid.
Speaker ABecause this is exactly the kind of situation RFA training is designed for.
Speaker ABrian's crew did informal RFA without knowing it.
Speaker AThey showed up.
Speaker AThey didn't leave him alone.
Speaker AThey didn't try to fix everything or give advice.
Speaker AThey just provided consistent, reliable presence in the immediate aftermath of trauma.
Speaker AThat's core RFA being there, reducing isolation, providing practical support.
Speaker ABut here's where formal RFA training would have helped.
Speaker AKnowing what to do after those first few weeks, the crew knew how to keep Brian alive, but they didn't know how to transition him toward actual recovery.
Speaker AThey didn't know when to push him toward professional help or how to have that conversation.
Speaker AThey figured it out eventually.
Speaker ATommy made the call to EAP and got Brian to go.
Speaker ABut formal training would have given them that toolkit earlier.
Speaker ARFA teaches officers how to recognize the signs that informal support isn't enough anymore.
Speaker AHow to have the conversation about getting professional help without making your buddy feel weak.
Speaker AHow to support someone through early therapy while they're still struggling.
Speaker AHow to set boundaries when peer support is draining you too much.
Speaker ABrian's crew would have benefited from that training.
Speaker AAnd departments with trained RFA officers see better outcomes in situations like this.
Speaker AFaster connection to professional resources, less time in acute crisis, better support for the supporting officers.
Speaker AIf your department doesn't have RFA trained officers, that's something to think about.
Speaker ABecause the Brian Kowalskis in your agency need more than just good intentions from their crew.
Speaker AThey need structured support that bridges the gap between crisis and recovery.
Speaker ABrian Kowalski wanted to share his story for a few reasons.
Speaker AFirst, because Mike Hennessy deserves to be remembered.
Speaker ANot just at the funeral or the memorial or in the reports.
Speaker AMike was a hell of a cop and a better person.
Speaker A20 years on the job, trained dozens of officers, knew his city, did the work right.
Speaker ASharing this story keeps Mike's memory alive.
Speaker AThat matters to Brian.
Speaker ASecond, because Brian thinks a lot of officers have been through this.
Speaker ALosing a partner, survivor guilt, all of it.
Speaker AAnd nobody talks about it.
Speaker AWe're supposed to just handle it.
Speaker AAnd maybe if Brian talks about it, some other officer going through this won't feel as alone as he did.
Speaker AThird, because Brian's crew kept him alive.
Speaker AAnd he wants other crews to know that showing up matters.
Speaker AEven when you don't know what to say, even when you can't fix it.
Speaker AJust being there, making sure your buddy isn't alone, that's not nothing.
Speaker AThat's everything.
Speaker AAnd fourth, because Brian wants officers to know that waiting four months to get help was a mistake.
Speaker AHe knows that now.
Speaker AHe should have started therapy day one, should have addressed the drinking earlier, should have been honest with Jenny about how bad things were.
Speaker AEarly intervention matters.
Speaker AThe longer you wait, the harder it gets.
Speaker ABrian's not healed, not even close.
Speaker AHe's barely holding on, but he's still here, still trying, still showing up and sometimes four months out from losing your partner.
Speaker AThat's the best you can do if you're going through something similar.
Speaker AIf you lost a partner, if you're drowning in survivor guilt, if you're barely holding it together.
Speaker ABrian wants you to know three things.
Speaker A1.
Speaker AIt's okay to not be okay.
Speaker AYou don't have to pretend you're fine when you're not.
Speaker A2.
Speaker AYour crew can save your life if you let them.
Speaker ADon't isolate.
Speaker ALet them show up.
Speaker A3.
Speaker AGet professional help early.
Speaker ADon't wait.
Speaker APeer support is critical, but it's not enough by itself.
Speaker ATalk to a therapist.
Speaker ACall eap.
Speaker ADo it now, not four months from now.
Speaker AAnd if you're part of a crew trying to support an officer like Brian, keep showing up.
Speaker AKeep being present.
Speaker AAnd when you hit the limits of what you can do, informally push your buddy toward professional resources.
Speaker AYou're not giving up on them.
Speaker AYou recognizing they need more than you can give.
Speaker AThat's not failure.
Speaker AThat's love.
Speaker AFor more information about Resilience first aid training and how it can help officers support their peers through critical incidents, visit the Police Speak website.
Speaker ALinks are in the Show Notes.
Speaker AHi, I'm Michael Simpkins and this is Police Speak.
Speaker AThanks for listening.
Speaker AIf this conversation landed, take the next step.
Speaker AGo to the Show Notes and complete the 5 minute PR6 assessment.
Speaker AYou'll see your current resilience baseline across six domains.
Speaker AWhere you're strong, where you're vulnerable.
Speaker AIt's the same tool we use in RFA certification.
Speaker AWant to be on the podcast?
Speaker AWe're looking for officers who've managed accumulated exposure and figured out what actually works.
Speaker ANot clean recovery stories.
Speaker AWe need the setbacks, the plateaus, the tools that failed, and the ones that stuck.
Speaker AHit the link in the Show Notes, fill out the form.
Speaker AWe keep it confidential and work with you on how your story gets told told.
Speaker AYou can also join the Police Beat Community officers having these conversations every day, not just when the podcast drops links in the Show Notes.
Speaker AThanks for listening.
Speaker ASee you next week.

